Private Conversations
by nirvanadonut
Summary: Basically, these are just conversations that could have potentially taken place in the world of Naruto, but are in no way essential to the plot. Simply a fan service, really.
1. Kakashi's Sex Life

**Private Conversations**

* * *

This story takes place after the Fourth Great Shinobi War. Assume that Kabuto and company were defeated. Sasuke's status really doesn't matter to this story, but since I am one for happy endings (no matter how unlikely they sometimes are), let's say that Sasuke was recovered and is no longer a dick. I know, I know, completely impossible, but hey—this is my damn story, and that is how I want it! DEAL!

* * *

**1. Kakashi's Sex Life (and other well kept secrets) **

It was a beautiful summer night in Downtown Konoha. The moon was a large, glowing lantern in a flawless navy sky. Haphazard shanties and family owned businesses boomed with good commerce and high spirits. Shinobi and citizens alike crowded the streets, eager to experience the pleasant evening for what it was. The war had brought plenty of hard times for everyone; the people of Konoha not only appreciated this night, but thoroughly deserved it.

As deserving as any, Kakashi Hatake strolled casually down a dark side street, enjoying the silence of the residential area, its inhabitants out on the town for the night. Deep in thought, he closed his eyes as a refreshing burst of summer breeze frisked his face. Whatever he was thinking about must have been pleasing; as the breeze passed, Kakashi opened his exposed eye, a smile forming on his masked face. He continued down the dark street, nearing a dim intersection. Kakashi peered an indifferent glance down the adjacent alley, suspecting to see little of significance. To his surprise, he spotted Naruto Uzumaki, sitting on a small bench at the butt of the alleyway. Curious (and legitimately concerned) as to why his "social butterfly" of a student was being so uncharacteristically introverted, Kakashi turned down the alley and approached his pupil.

Despite the detached look on his face, Naruto spotted his teacher from a distance. "Hey, Kakashi-Sensei," Naruto greeted him. His voice was gruff, much quieter than usual; it was obvious that it had been a while since he'd said anything at all. "Hello, Naruto," Kakashi replied, warmly. He honestly cared for the kid; he hated to see him brooding alone, especially on such a perfect night. It was just so unlike him. Kakashi stated his concern, "Why aren't you at Ichiraku's with Shikamaru and Choji? You'd mentioned that they'd invited you, yesterday". Kakashi thought of the bared excitement on his student's face just one night before, when he'd bumped into his teacher on his way to the Hokage Tower. Naruto's face fell, despite an obvious attempt to maintain a neutral expression. "Yeah, I just… didn't really feel like going tonight."

Naruto's poker face was terrible; there was a considerable pain in his eyes; his lips pursed tightly together, as if to hold in his emotion. Kakashi took a seat next to his weary student. The rickety, old bench squeaked as he parked. Never one to beat around the bush, Kakashi cut to the chase. "What's bothering you, Naruto?" "Naruto looked to the ground. His sapphire eyes burned as he tried to send words to his mouth. His chest heaved a heavy breath and he grabbed the bench for support. Again, it creaked. "Well… uhmm…," Naruto stuttered. The kid was never one for words, and Kakashi knew it. This was when the conversation took a turn that surprised both participants. "Kakashi," Naruto stammered, "tell me about my dad- about Minato". Now a heavy breath was taken by Kakashi. He wasn't expecting this; he honestly had no idea what to say. Ever since he'd been assigned as Naruto's teacher, he had imagined that a question like this might come into play, yet now that it was here… he wasn't the least bit prepared.

He looked over to see Naruto's pleading eyes. The kid deserved an answer, and Kakashi _was _really the only person who could do Minato any justice in words. As much as he wanted to avoid opening himself up, Kakashi knew that he owed it to his sensei, as well as to his student, to have this conversation. Kakashi cleared his throat, "well," he started, "your dad was the coolest person I've ever met". Utterly unsatisfied, (_and reasonably so, quit being a puss, Kakashi_) Naruto made quite a derisive response, "yeah, he was the Hokage. I get that. I didn't ask you about some magical warrior hero of village folklore," Naruto rolled his eyes, "I asked you about your sensei, sensei. Tell me— was he as mental as mine?" A much needed smile cracked Naruto's previously sullen face. He'd heard all about his father's noble exploits. He'd grown up hearing stories of his unparalleled prowess as the village's greatest leader. None of those stories were what Naruto needed to hear tonight. No, Kakashi was going to have to grow a pair and get a little personal here.

Aware that holding back wasn't going to be an option, Kakashi reluctantly described his adored sensei, awakening a passion that was completely void of his typically lethargic demeanor; it really caught Naruto off guard. Kakashi's dark eyes too ignited, "he was so level headed, always able to assess the situation. He never…" Kakashi's voice broke slightly. Thinking of his hero, Minato-Sensei, still caused him pain, even after all these years. "He never made mistakes, at least none that I can recall. But he wasn't stuck up! He was…" Kakashi looked over to his attentive student. Naruto replied with an encouraging smile. Kakashi smiled too, "Really, kid… your daddy was a fucking super hero." Naruto beamed, aware that Kakashi never said anything that he did not wholeheartedly mean. Kakashi's eyes became somewhat dreamy, roaming the deep sky in search for long disregarded memories.

"All of the girls loved him," Kakashi remarked. "He was… well… I mean… attractive, strong, funny, respectable… there wasn't anything not to like about him!" Naruto was amused to observe a trace of flush on the exposed part of his sensei's face. Seriously, Kakashi was not one to dish out compliments, he must have freaking worshipped Minato. Naruto prodded, "Oooooohhh, and how did he react to all the female affection?"

Kakashi's face immediately fell to an amused scowl. "The guy might as well of been wearing a chastity belt," he replied dryly. "You're not just saying that because he's my dad, are you," Naruto demanded. "I have no reason to lie to you, Naruto. He only ever had eyes for your mother, and that's the truth," Kakashi assured. "Oh man, what a prude! I should have known… Just like my sensei!" Naruto remarked as he let out a delighted howl. Kakashi reacted with feigned offense, "A prude? I have a sex life. Quite a healthy one if I do say so myself." At this Naruto's face glazed with horror. He didn't sugar coat his reaction, "ewwww! With who? Gross…" Naruto was (perhaps oddly, yet unquestionably) deeply interested.

Kakashi sported a devious expression, one Naruto had never seen before. Kakashi wasn't entirely comfortable relaying his sexual exploits with the kid, but he knew that Naruto was dealing with some considerably harmful emotional shit. Breaking the ice in this way, however awkward and bizarre it might be, was a viable way to ease the kid's stress level. "Well… Anko, and…" Kakashi became reasonably uncomfortable, but he'd already started speaking before he could second guess his words, "well, Asuma, once…" With that, Naruto nearly fell off the bench, "WHAT?" (Even when faced with a deep existential quandary, the thought of gay sex sends the kid into fits of utter hysteria. Really makes one wonder… _was_ Sasuke ever more than a friend?).

Kakashi sighed, "We were on a long mission in the Land of Waves with A LOT of down time. We were both getting a bit on edge," Naruto's look of disgust didn't falter; Kakashi started getting somewhat defensive, "I mean, Asuma was very tense and I was pretty bored, so… we tried it out," Kakashi paused, however Naruto's continued silence told him that he needed to further elaborate for his mortified pupil. "It wasn't sexually gratifying for either of us, and if he were alive, Asuma'd kick my ass for ever mentioning this to anyone". With that obvious attempt at justification, Naruto smiled secretively, "yeah, I'd never try it with a dude; I don't care how horny I get!" Kakashi scoffed, "to each their own, kiddo. I wouldn't do it again, but I'm not particularly ashamed of what I've done. Don't rule out anything until you've tried it."

Kakashi fell silent for a moment, not sure if he should pursue the question heavy on his mind. _Ahh, what the hell, the conversation could not possibly become more awkward than it already is_, he decided. "So, Naruto… what about you and Hinata? Are you guys a… _thing_?" Naruto blushed, "well… we've gone on dates. But… Kakashi-sensei, I'm a gentleman! I will never lay a hand on her until I know she's ready. I mean… I'm not even sure I'm ready… it's just," Naruto looked down again. Kakashi realized that he hit a sore spot with the boy, so eased the situation, "Naruto, I once was terrified about sexuality too. When I was your age, I hadn't even kissed a girl".

At this information, Naruto showed obvious relief. "Really? When was your first kiss, sensei?" Kakashi smirked, "well, I was 21 years old. You see, Anko was pretty direct in her flirting. She made it clear that she was interested in me. I was completely terrified, but… well, if it wasn't Anko's death threats, it must have been my belated hormones, finally kicking in. Nature took its course, Naruto, we started out slow, but… that didn't satisfy our 'urges' for long…" Kakashi's face assumed the same, creepy smile from before; Naruto winced. "OKAY SENSEI, that's enough! I asked about your first kiss, not your first porno!" Rolling his eyes, Kakashi assured, "Naruto, we never made a porno! I'm merely saying that, you needn't worry so much about love and dating. It _will_ happen. I promise. And when it does, you will be comfortable with it. Let your natural inclinations take their course. Your body will know what to do when the time comes".

Kakashi's explanation seemed to ease Naruto quite a bit. With that, Kakashi reclined drowsily. Both shinobi gazed up at the giant moon, collecting their thoughts (or perhaps envisioning their sensei's homosexual escapades- either way).

"Well, that got weird, quick," Naruto laughed, leaning on his sensei's ninja vest. Kakashi made something like a laugh, "yeah… You know," he adjusted his arm on the top edge of the bench, behind his treasured pupil's shoulders. _In a fatherly way?_ "Your dad took me in after my dad… well, you know about my dad, right?" Naruto nodded, "yeah, he killed himself". Kakashi's chest immediately tensed at his response. Naruto paused, unsure if his wording was too harsh. Naruto's small panic soon subsided, as Kakashi soon exhaled and began breathing normally again. Kakashi hadn't taken offense to his brashness, "yeah, and I was pretty young. I was lucky that your dad took me under his wing… That's one reason why I'm glad I was able to be your teacher, Naruto. Your dad saved me from… well, a pretty dark depression." Naruto looked into his aggrieved sensei's dark eyes, "Kakashi… I'm really glad you were my teacher too," Naruto breathed. There was potentially more to be said, but he knew there was no need to get too mushy, Kakashi might puke. The sensei and pupil locked eyes, sharing an unspoken understanding of their cooperative love and respect. With that, another thoughtful silence ensued.

"Hey sensei, was my dad funny?" It was an unforeseen question, Kakashi considered. "Nope, not really. He appreciated a good joke, I mean, Jiraiya _was_ his teacher, after all— but he was never a particularly funny guy. Your mom, she was… I'm not sure if funny is the right word… she was interesting, definitely interesting". Kakashi petted Naruto's head, "You're a hell of a lot like her, you know?" Naruto glowed at the comparison, but then soaked in his sensei's entire statement, with a juvenile scowl. "What the hell, you don't think I'm funny?" Kakashi grinned beneath his mask, "Well, sure, but I don't think you mean to be" Naruto folded his arms in a pout, "don't you patronize me, sensei! You take that mask off now and face me— as a MAN!" With that, Naruto's cheeks immediately flushed.

Kakashi was thoroughly amused by Naruto's childish assertion, and even more amused by his apparent fear at the thought of his teacher's response to such an outburst. Kakashi looked his pupil in the eyes, "I'm shocked that you and your weird team mates never asked me to take off my mask. You know, many of my Jounin comrades were making bets about the whole deal, how long it would take you guys to crack". Naruto looked genuinely surprised, "really?" Kakashi nodded, "Yeah… I mean, didn't you guys even talk about it? Were you scared to ask me, or did you just not really give a shit?" At that, Naruto considered, "well, I mean, we did talk about it, but—it's not that we were _scared_ to ask, you know? We just… didn't".

Kakashi nodded, "Yeah, I'm not exactly a sociable guy; a good time probably just didn't make itself available." _Still, everyone else in the village freaking asked me… _Kakashi considered, recalling various death threats and espionage attempts at his life. Naruto didn't skip a beat, "so… can I see your face?" Kakashi groaned, "ohh, alright. It's nothing to write home about, you know. I just don't like for people to be able to read my emotions. I wear a mask to look mysterious, not to hide a weird face. We are ninja, after all…" Naruto wasn't listening; he truly had a one track mind. With a defeated shrug, Kakashi reached behind his neck, untying his mask and revealing an attractive, boyish jawline. "See?" Kakashi smiled— however, to Naruto, it looked entirely different than it ever had before. His small face revealed, Kakashi looked… human.

Naruto's eyes grew wide with utter amazement. "Whoa—cool!" The kid was practically giddy. "Sensei, how many people have seen you without your mask?" a quizzical look cultivated Naruto's already astonished face. "Well," Kakashi considered, "my dad, my old team mate, Rin, uhmm…" Naruto waited for Kakashi to continue, but he didn't. Naruto stammered, "That's it, not even Anko?" Kakashi assured, "No, not even Anko," he reasoned, "I'd show her if she asked, but she just hasn't ever asked me to. I think she's scared that she won't find me attractive anymore, once she sees," Kakashi winked (well, since his sharingan was covered by his head-guard, it looked more like a blink). Naruto nodded, _yeah, I guess that makes sense_. "Well, what about Rin? Were you guys really close or something?" Again, with his foot in his mouth, Naruto wondered if he hadn't hit a particularly sensitive spot for his sensei, but Kakashi showed no discomfort. "We were team mates, nothing more significant than that," Kakashi laughed, recalling the countless times he'd gotten on Naruto for his innate lack of teamwork, "Naruto, you might find this hard to believe, but I was the worst team player ever, back then."

Naruto wasn't convinced. "Yeah right, Kakashi—you're just being hard on yourself. Everyone knows that you're a total bad ass!" Kakashi frowned, "yeah, and that was the problem. _I_ knew that I was a 'bad ass', and so I didn't respect or acknowledge the talents and worth of my team mates," Kakashi's face grew quite serious; Naruto felt the self-remorse in his sensei's words. "Naruto—I made some really bad mistakes, mistakes that I never deserve to be forgiven for. It is because of my arrogance that my honorable team mate, Obito Uchiha, died on the battlefield that day—".

Kakashi's lip trembled, ever so slightly. If he were wearing his mask, the small facial movement would have been undetectable. Naruto bit his lip, desperately wanting to comfort his teacher, "Kakashi, you were a kid, right? You honestly can't expect yourself to be perfect!" Kakashi shook his head, "but Sensei was—". Naruto's eye's widened at his sensei's candid hero worship. He'd never seen Kakashi like this, not even close.

Kakashi hadn't intended on turning this into self-loathing hour, he felt a bit ashamed at his juvenile little outburst. After taking a short moment to collect himself, he continued his explanation. "Well—basically, I was left in charge of my squad while sensei progressed ahead. I had just been deemed a Jounin, and because of my superior ranking, I pretty much felt that I called all the shots," Kakashi smirked at Naruto, "I was such a fucking idiot, kid. Like you wouldn't believe…"

Naruto punched his sensei in the gut, "Come on, dude! Give yourself a break!" Kakashi didn't even attempt to dodge the punch, or really acknowledge it. Instead, he simply continued explaining the events of that fateful day. "Our team was on our way to The Kannabi Bridge. Basically, as part of the war effort, we were assigned to destroy this bridge, over which weaponry and shinobi were being transported into the Land of Fire. The task should have been simple enough for our three ninja squad, cooperatively… that is, if we functioned cooperatively," Kakashi reflected.

"Through my inconsiderate leadership, Rin was abducted by enemy ninja from the Land of Earth," Kakashi winced, but Naruto must have been in fantasy land. He stared in blind wonder at his beloved sensei, "Whoa! Well, you saved her and swept her off her feet, right?" Kakashi shook his head disapprovingly, "Nope. I wanted to carry on with the mission. Obito wanted to go back for her, but I was a fool. You see… I valued the mission's success over the lives of my own comrades," Kakashi explained, entirely ashamed.

"Sensei…" Naruto began, "I don't understand…" Kakashi nodded, "Naruto, my father became hated because he once valued his comrades lives over the success of a mission. Unable to withstand the shame, he took his own life. I didn't… I _could_ not be like him. Back then… I thought that I hated him." Kakashi's pain was blatantly obvious; Naruto remained solemn and focused on Kakashi's words. Kakashi shook his head, "In reality, I was just hurting. I didn't understand what he did, all I really knew was that it hurt me, and so I vowed to take the opposite course of action than what he would have taken. I valued the mission over my comrade, because I couldn't bear the pain of being like _him_."

Naruto tilted his head, "I don't really understand why people hated your dad for what he did. I mean, I probably would have done the same thing…" Naruto spoke quietly, as if to lessen the blow his words might create. He'd never spoken this frankly with his teacher; he was unsure how to gauge his reactions. Kakashi acknowledged his student's criticism, "And you'd be doing the right thing; my dad did the right thing. However—I did not. I left Rin to die for the sake of the mission. Obito begged me to turn back; I refused. He became so damned fed up with my selfish antics that he left to find Rin on his own." Kakashi paused, reflecting the tale as it played out, "I might have been a child prodigy, but even I knew that I could never face the opponents at the bridge single-handedly. I chased after Obito. I'd finally, sort of came to my senses—but it was too late. Kakashi looked at Naruto, his face looked utterly exhausted. He was through sharing details, and Naruto knew better than to pry at this point. "My right eye was obliterated by the enemy's blade, Obito was impaled by a giant boulder, Rin was saved.

Rin performed ocular surgery on me, so, she removed the mask for that," Kakashi explained. "Why did she have to remove your mask for eye surgery?" Naruto asked. "Eh, she really didn't have to, I suppose. Maybe she just thought it was a good opportunity to see my face, I don't know…"

The two sat in silence for another brief stretch. Breaking the quiet, Kakashi returned to the story, "So, half of Obito's face wasn't crushed, and… he gave me his intact sharingan, as a gift." Kakashi touched his head band, "this is Obito's eye…"

Naruto gave Kakashi a doubtful look, "Rin did that? She surgically implanted Obito's eye into your eye socket?" Kakashi nodded. Naruto was not at all convinced, "How the hell did a little girl know how to perform a total eye transplant anyway, sensei? Was she some kind of child prodigy, master surgeon?" Kakashi assured, "No, she was not particularly outstanding. The whole situation makes my head spin too, Naruto. I'm honestly not sure how she was able to perform such an advanced surgery, and outside of a hospital no less." Kakashi paused, "Life is strange like that; a lot of times, it doesn't make any sense, but I'm sure that you know that much." Naruto nodded, "yeah, yes I do…"

The duo rested on the bench a bit longer, enjoying the glorious, summer night, as well as each other's esteemed presence. A nearby streetlight started to flicker, it's flashing orange glow bringing the present world back into their focus. Kakashi grabbed his mask, tying it so that it once again concealed his face. He looked over at his silly, blonde student. "Well kiddo, it's getting quite late. We'll both need our beauty sleep to complete our missions in the morning." Naruto smirked, "Ya sure there isn't just some gay guy back home you're jonesing to bang?" Kakashi cringed, "I'm going to regret sharing that with you, aren't I?" Naruto's face went serious, "No! I'm just kidding, sensei," Naruto grabbed Kakashi's shoulder, "It means a lot to me that you stopped to make sure I was ok…" his voice broke a bit, "I know you're busy…" Kakashi opened his mouth to encourage the kid, but Naruto beat him to it with a huge laugh. "Heh-heh! See you tomorrow, sensei! We should go get ramen sometime soon! You're paying!" Kakashi smiled, "I don't know… shinobi cannot live on ramen alone. Perhaps something more substantial would be best." Naruto winced, "WHAT ARE YOU, MY MOM? Ramen is the only sustenance _I_ need to become (yep, you know what's coming) the world's BEST shinobi!" Naruto proceeded to lose himself in his boyish fantasy, "When I'm Hokage, trust me, ramen will be the base of Konoha's dietary pyramid!" Kakashi rolled his eyes. Relieved to see his student return to the hyperactive moron he'd grown to know and love, Kakashi patted Naruto on the head and said, "See you tomorrow, kid". With that, he 'poofed' to an unknown location. Naruto stared at the cloud of smoke until it dissipated. He smiled to himself, and proclaimed aloud, "Dad, I'm gonna make you proud, BELIEVE IT!"

Naruto looked once again at the giant moon, as if it confirmed his father's approval. Pleased, he made his way back to his apartment. His mind clear, Naruto knew he'd be able to sleep sound tonight.

* * *

So, what did you think? My intention is to write many chapters to this. They will all take place at various times between various people. Basically, they are just conversations that take place as fan service, but are in no way essential to the plot.

Kinda goofy, but fandom is like that.


	2. That's Poor Parenting

**Private Conversations****_**

**2. "That's Poor Parenting" (says the Negligent Godfather)**

* * *

I was having trouble coming up with something interesting to write about. Let it be known that I do consider criticism; the word "dude" is not used ONCE in this story (that is the most random comment ever, but I'm proud that I even got a comment, so I will now shut up). Thank you for the faves and subs (but I still need MORE of them)!

* * *

This story takes place about two months before Naruto's birth.

It is mid-August, a hot and humid time in Konoha. Most civilians are calling it a day- it's only about two o'clock, but the temperature is unbearable enough that heat exhaustion poses a real threat. Shinobi, on the other hand, who have trained and conditioned their bodies for any hellish environment, proceed with their daily missions, be they mundane or top secret-murder coups.

Academy students run happily through the cluttered side streets, ecstatic to leave their school-shaped prison. They haphazardly join the homebound rush (making it ten times more chaotic than it has to be). Old men with fishing gear gather under a seasoned oak tree, delaying their obligatory return home to crazy wives. At least they caught some dinner; perhaps they wouldn't sleep on the couch tonight after all. Gate-Watchers lay at their posts, completely inattentive- asleep with spit dripping from their mouths. _The people of Konoha should feel very safe._

Minato Namikaze views all of this with amused interest, as he peers through the wide window of the Hokage Tower. He is free, having just completed a droning and largely pointless pile of paperwork. Tired, yet eternally optimistic, Minato steps out, facing the harsh, final rays of the dying summer sun.

As he exits the tower, Minato is greeted by his former sensei, The Legendary Toad Sage, Jiraiya. With a smile and a nod, Jiraiya approaches his esteemed pupil. Minato returns the smile and ponders aloud, "Sensei, have you been waiting here all day?" Jiraiya simply shrugs his broad shoulders, a gesture of indifference toward his own day-long discomfort. "I didn't want to distract you from your obligations, Hokage". At the uncharacteristic formality (he couldn't tell if it was sincere or mocking), Minato laughs and replies, "Yes, well- I'm _very_ important".

At this, Jiraiya cringes and stresses, "don't talk like that, Minato". The student is caught off guard, now recognizing the sincerity in his sensei's eyes. "Jiraiya-Sensei, I was just being facetious. I..."

The two had been walking. Suddenly Jiraiya cuts Minato's explanation off, stepping out in front of him, declaring, "I wonder if you truly were, Minato. Are you beginning to believe that you are _immortal_? Lest you forget that you too can and very well may be crushed by someone more powerful than you."

Minato loses his breath; Sensei was never this serious. Was Jiraiya-Sensei… _pissed_ right now? Perhaps even… _scared_? Very few things set the Hokage into panic mode, but this was one of them. As typical for a strong and revered person, Minato's fear manifests itself through a façade of anger. "I know damn well that I'm a human, Jiraiya. What the hell's gotten into you?" Jiraiya reads his student's shielding response and takes a deep breath. Exasperated, though trying to remain outwardly calm, he explains, "Kid, we need to talk". Unquestioningly, the student obliges. "Okay, let's go somewhere private". The pair look each other in the eyes and nod. With that, they body flicker to a secluded hilltop, shaded by a massive cedar tree. This spot had been a personal favorite of Minato's as a kid. It was always a serene place; far away from the stress of human existence, yet shielded by the comfort and protection of the strong limbs of the tree.

At their sanctuary of sorts, Minato leans up against the giant tree. Its shade brings him relief from the steadily beating sun. On the other hand, Jiraiya's inner turmoil is too chaotic to relieve. The transient shadows of tree limbs can do nothing to release him from his distress. He stands square in the path of the harsh solar rays, eying his renowned student earnestly. For a moment, neither shinobi discerns what to say. Despite knowing each other on a very personal level, respective inquiries and responses to said inquiries can't quite be fathomed.

Finally, Jiraiya steps nearer to the cedar. He lowers his large body to the ground, so that it's almost level with that of his crouching student. Minato's intense blue eyes meet with his gaze. They seem to exclaim, _you're scaring the shit outta me, Sensei!_ Jiraiya sighs; this horrible conversation has to be had. If things _do_ end up the way he fears they may, he will never forgive himself for simply letting it happen. Truthfully, there is really nothing much he _can_ do, other than warn his student of his fears; perhaps prompt him to take some much needed precaution. After all, they'd already discussed what Jiraiya would do if _he_ ever knocked a girl up, and Minato refused to do _that_…

"Minato-", Jiraiya strains to maintain a gentle voice, "did the possible repercussions of impregnating a Jinchūriki ever _cross your mind_?"

The Hokage exhales; now cognizant of the cause of his sensei's alarm. Jiraiya picks up on his student's sudden relief, and continues with added severity. "Do you understand how much danger you are putting yourself, your wife, your child, the whole damned VILLAGE in? As our celebrated leader, one would hope such dangers might have crossed your mind at some point".

"Sensei- precautions will be taken," Minato assures gently, respectful to his teacher's frantic state of mind. "Please trust me; I know what I'm in for. If the fox is released during Kushina's labor, its power of destruction would be huge. Because of this, Lord Third and I have arranged for the birthing to occur in a remote area, deep in the forest. We will be accompanied by ANBU Black Ops, as well as Lady Biwako and her capable assistants. If anything happens, which we're not even positive anything will, we will be fully prepared to take action. I have the village's well-being first in mind, Sensei. Believe it".

Jiraiya smiles at Minato's unconscious use of Kushina's childish phrase. However, he hasn't forgotten his initial anxiety. "Are you confident that this is enough?" Surprised that his Sensei does not trust his instincts, he inquires, "What is it that you fear, Jiraiya?" Jiraiya observes a small wave of alarm glaze over his student's face. Good, he's finally listening. The teacher explains, "I realize that it isn't exactly common knowledge that a host is most defenseless during child birth, but others _are _aware of it. If a person were to attack when Kushina is most vulnerable, the outcome could be catastrophic". Minato nods, acknowledging the validity of the sage's words. He replies gravely, "This is a risk we take. I know it's not favorable, but what else can we do?" Jiraiya's eyebrows raise with a response, however before Jiraiya can recall his sentiment from their previous conversation, Minato adds, "She's keeping the baby, Sensei. Don't even say it". At that, Jiraiya rolls his eyes; momentarily silenced.

Moment passed, Jiraiya speaks again, "this whole thing is so ungodly needless! Surely you're aware of just how many orphans there are here! Right here! You and Kushina have your pick between literally dozens of children, all of whom NEED families. Just look at Kakashi! And think about it, for just TWO SECONDS, kid! What if something bad _does_ happen? How would that affect _him_, to lose another father? You won't be helping your village any, adding strain to its already overwhelmed orphan pool".

At the mention of his beloved student/adopted son's potential despair, Minato cringes. His voice becomes strangely forceful, "I'm NOT going to die! I will live not only for Kakashi, but for his unborn brother. As for the many orphans of Konoha, I vow to provide for them as best as I can. I realize it is selfish, but Kushina and I desire our own child. I'm human! I want a kid that looks like me and has my last name. A kid with abilities similar to mine; who I can pass down my exclusive techniques to!" Minato takes a deep breath, recuperating from his slight verbal tangent.

At their apparent stalemate, the ninjas sit in another brief silence. The elder of the two, Jiraiya, muses (somewhat philosophically), "As Lord Second once said, 'in order to truly love another person, you must want to brutally murder them, at one point or another" The teacher locks eyes with his student. Minato blushes and replies, "I know, Sensei. I love you too". Jiraiya is uncomfortable with their affectionate conversation and unsure of how else to break it; he punches Minato in the gut. At this deviation from their tension, Minato laughs, clawing for his attacker, but missing, "Lord Second said that about Lady Sagi? I can't imagine her being anything but sweet!" Pinning Minato down, Jiraiya rolls his eyes, "She was a woman, wasn't she? You KNOW how insane they can be. After all, you have a pregnant one at home, probably waiting to kill you, as we speak". Minato shrugs and replies, "Ah, yes, love _can_ be quite painful".

The sun is still high in the late summer sky. The heat creates a haze above the far horizon. Minato strains to look beyond it, to the village, where his expecting wife is definitely waiting for him, likely torturing Kakashi in her husband's place. Poor kid, Minato has to get home.

Fond of his Sensei's presence, despite their disagreement, Minato asks, "Would you like to come over for dinner? It's about that time now." In the past, it had always been Jiraiya's immediate reaction to deny his invitations, however it had always been Minato's inclination to insist on them. Knowing this probable outcome, and secretly wanting to feel Kushina's tummy, Jiraiya accepts without hassle.

* * *

Upon arrival at the Namikaze residence, Minato and Jiraiya soon regret leaving their cedar sanctuary. Minato opens the door to find Kushina hovering over Kakashi, a cast-iron skillet in one hand, a pornographic novel in the other. Blind with rage and screaming so incessantly that she does not even realize her husband has entered the room; she rips Kakashi a new asshole (figuratively). "YOU LITTLE PERVERT! IF I EVER FIND ANOTHER ONE OF THESE GOD FORSAKEN **SMUT** NOVELS IN YOUR HANDS AGAIN, I WILL SEE TO IT THAT YOUR TESTICLES ARE PUBLICLY REMOVED IN THE MOST PAINFUL AND UNSIGHTLY WAY POSSIBLE! YOU—"

Jiraiya looks on this interaction with amusement until (with utter horror) he recognizes this 'smut novel' to be one of his own.

Obviously unaware of his own probable demise via skillet-to-the-skull, Minato steps in. With a smile, he coos, "Good afternoon, family". This simple statement causes Kushina's previous rage to resemble tranquility. With all of her muscle power, she whips the heavy kitchen tool at her husband, knocking him into the splintered door frame with a grunt. Fire actually manifests itself in her dilated pupils. She bellows, "WHERE. THE. FUCK. WERE. YOU? I CALLED THE TOWER TWELVE TIMES BECAUSE I NEEDED SOME SOBA FROM THE MARKET! NOW WE CAN'T EAT ANYTHING BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TASTY IN THE HOUSE BECAUSE YOU **DUMBASSES** ATE EVERYTHING WORTH EATING AND—" Kushina is suddenly moved to despair-filled tears, "Minato! I missed you SOO much and I didn't know where you were and our son reads porn written by your Sensei and I'm really hungry and I want to go… to… bed…" Kushina spills into Minato's open arms. A synthetic expression of cheerfulness painted onto his pained/scared face, Minato, the completely whipped husband, whispers, "I should have called. Keep Jiraiya's company while I go to the market. I'll go right away". Minato looks over to see Kakashi's terrified face. The poor kid has just been subjected to the most cruel and unusual punishment of any pervert ever. "Kakashi will come with me. We'll discuss what happened. Don't worry, baby- I'll handle it, okay?" With his picture perfect smile, Minato presses his face into his wife's wild, red hair. Kushina, now somewhat calm, nods an approval, "Okay Mi-Mi, Jiraiya and I need to have a little talk anyway". With that, Kushina's gaze falls to the reprehensible book on her lap. A flicker of her inner demon returns to her livid eyes.

_I'm going to kill both of those kids later_, Jiraiya thought solemnly, awaiting Kushina's cruel wrath.

* * *

Once outside, the two shinobi exhale deeply. When out of earshot, "Sooo, Jiraiya's sexy books, eh Kakashi?" Minato winks at his weary student. Kakashi says nothing and instead ops to stare at the cracks in the dry ground of the city street. He isn't as slick as he thinks and Minato sees his rosy cheeks, flaring with embarrassment. The Sensei eases up on his tortured pupil, "It's alright, Kaki, most boys get caught in such a way at least once in their life-". With that, Minato slugs Kakashi on the shoulder in a loving way. Quietly, the student replies, "I'm positive you were never caught doing something perverted, Sensei". His Sensei nods, "Well, no— but my teacher was Jiraiya. That man peeps on girls every waking moment! He taught me a thing or two about stealth". Minato shoots a sly little smile in Kakashi's direction.

Kakashi knows his Sensei's words to be complete and utter bullshit, but says nothing. He's aware that Sensei's fibs are intended to lighten the situation, and decides to play along, "All Jiraiya has caused _me_ is trouble. Kushina will never see me as a respectable Jounin, ever again!" Minato frowns sympathetically, "Kakashi, Kushina loves you with all her huge, terrifying heart. That is why she frets over you. Nine out of ten Konoha shinobi are hopelessly addicted to porn, and she doesn't go power tripping on them about it. You're family— you are different".

With his sentimental statement, Minato's mind is brought back to Sensei's portrayal. He looks at his student and sees the real joy in his eyes at his role model's spoken acknowledgment as a part of the Namikaze family. The Hokage's chest fills with a sharp pain. Such tragedy, as Jiraiya was alluding to at the cedar tree, would certainly break this still healing boy. Minato wraps his arm around Kakashi. _I love you_, his heart screams from deep within— however he says nothing.

The pair proceeds to the market and sequesters their bounty. Minato's pain does not recede during the walk home; morbid thoughts and senseless killing continue to plague his weary mind. Returning home, Kakashi and Minato find Kushina in tears, Jiraiya sitting next to her, nestling a consoling arm on her shoulder. The wilted 'Habanero' emits a muffled cry, "How could you allude to something so horrible? This is your _godson_ in my womb!" a sob escapes her lips as her teeth interlocked in a fearsome snarl, "you think I should kill him? How DARE you, Jiraiya! You have no place! You have no place…" Kushina flings Jiraiya's suddenly despicable arm from her shoulder. He reasons, "Kushina, I care for Naruto, you know I do. However, I also care for you and Minato and—" "WE KNOW WHAT WE'RE UP AGAINST," Kushina interrupts.

Minato's eyes, which fell automatically on his enraged wife upon their home arrival, shift to Kakashi. The kid's revealed eye screams panic. His voice is small and fearful, "Sensei— what is Jiraiya-Sensei talking about?" Minato sighs, but he shares the truth with his son. "Kakashi, there's a chance that someone will try to attack Kushina and I during her childbirth. The reason for this is that her Jinchūriki seal, which contains the demon within her, will become weaker during labor. If it isn't contained properly by medical specialists, it could release from her body, killing Kushina and attacking Konoha. Very few people know about this; but it is possible that some powerful rogue ninja know. If they do, they might try to attack us and the village". The visible part of Kakashi's face glazes over in disbelief of his teacher's words.

Licking the roof of his dry mouth in an effort to maintain his composure, the child speaks. He asks, "Did you know about this before she got pregnant?" Minato sighs, "yes, but we desired to bear a child despite the risks". Agony abundant, Kakashi retorts, "Did you think that I might have liked to know about this" His eye shows a faint sign of impending tears, "I guess I was stupid to think I was part of the family—" Minato cuts him off, "It's not like that! You KNOW that. We love you very much, and we didn't want to upset you over hypothetical situations," his voice trails off, unsure exactly what to say. It didn't make a lot of sense, when he thought about it, they should have just told him from the start. Kakashi shakes his head, "whatever, keep me ignorant if you think that I can't handle the truth, see if I care." The young ninja withdraws to his bedroom, hurt and confused; his preteen angst is in full swing.

After Minato processes the situation in his mind, he sits next to his grieving wife on their cheap, blue sofa. "Jiraiya is only saying these horrible things because he cares," the husband assures. Fresh tears continue down Kushina's soaked cheeks. She admits, "he was telling the truth, that's why I'm crying, Minato! We… the truth is that we might die in this excursion, and for what purpose? Because we wanted a _blood heir_?" The three adult ninja sit on the sofa, unsure of what more there is to say.

"If I aborted this baby, I would mourn it every day for the rest of my life! I refuse to succumb to such constant sadness. I realize this decision puts the entire village at risk, and I do not care. How awful is that? Damnit," Kushina sobs.

Jiraiya speaks solemnly, "I will be there, overseeing the process. I will make sure no ninja interfere—" Jiraiya pauses, intending to say more, but Minato beats him to it, "No, the village cannot be ignored. I need you to stay in town, defend against any rogues who might pop up". Kushina nods, "Minato's right. He'd be quite a negligent Hokage if he left Konoha unprotected".

Jiraiya disagrees, "There are plenty of ANBU who can protect the village, I'm going with you guys". His demand is refused, "You're the best of the best, you are to stay in town and protect the people," Minato orders firmly. Outranked, Jiraiya agrees, "As you wish, Hokage".

Kushina glances over her shoulder at the small hallway on the other side of the room. She criticizes, "You didn't have to tell Kakashi about the seal, Minato. All it will do is get him worked up". Her husband explains, "No, he has a right to know". Minato's eyes reach Jiraiya— the man whose words had affected him so deeply earlier. "If something were to happen to us, Kakashi would be devastated. We're all he has. If we don't even respect him enough to tell him the truth, we're pretty shitty parents". An exasperated frown reappears on Kushina's face, "we're already shitty parents, putting our entire village at such risk, just to have a child, when we already have a child. What were we thinking?" Kushina curls up, digging her head into her knees (Probably not the healthiest position for a pregnant woman).

Digging his forehead into his open palm, Minato responds, "This hasn't really been our most fool proof plan… I'll give you that". Jiraiya consoles, "There's no use fretting over what _should_ have been done or what _could_ happen. We all just need to deal with the situation".

The mother speaks, "In the back of my mind, I've known how dangerous this is. I just… kept ignoring that. I really wanted this, wanted Naruto, so badly that I ignored all signs of danger". The father agrees, "I did the same thing, baby, and it's going to be fine. Great things rarely come without risks," Minato comforts.

Now well aware that his wake up call was received, Jiraiya digresses, "No worries, kiddos, everyone makes rash decisions, even Hokages and Hokagesses! But really, there's nothing to fear (cue ridiculous pose); the Great Lord JI-RAI-YA is here!"

Both Namikaze's see what Jiraiya is trying to do, and give him a weak smile. The trio sits silently for a while, collecting their thoughts. Quietly, an adjective that rarely describes the Red Hot Kunoichi, Kushina addresses the Sage, "Jiraiya, you've agreed to be Naruto's godfather. Usually, that is just a decorative title, with no actual expectations behind it, but in this case…," Jiraiya knows what she's about to say, so does Minato, but females never leave anything unspoken. "If Minato and I are unable to raise Naruto, will you do it?" Kushina's eyes plead, but Jiraiya refuses. "I won't make such a promise because I know I could never keep it". Kushina's shoulders sink at this denial, and Jiraiya explains, "There is a reason I've never had a kid. I'd be a terrible parent. I'm selfish, stubborn, poorly behaved, and my house is a mess. Naruto would be better off a ward of the Hidden Leaf".

"That isn't true! Naruto would be better off with a person who loves him," Kushina exclaims. "How can I love him? I don't even know him, and all he's caused me so far is distress," Jiraiya remarks, before he can stop himself. The couple are taken aback, and reasonably so. "I didn't mean for it to come out that way. I do have feelings for your son, it's just… the future would be much more certain without him in the picture, and both of you know that".

Both ninja do not deny this. Minato reasons, "so is the case with all new parents. Still, this is a life choice that we've made. Obviously, we cannot turn back, but we wouldn't want to anyway. Sure, we have our fears, but having a baby is going to be a great thing". Kushina, pregnant and volatile as hell, once again begins to sob. "And now Kakashi doesn't trust us…" The husband once again consoles his crazy wife, "Kaki's just upset, and he has a right to be. We weren't truthful with him. We will make it up to him," Minato feels regret, something he never feels. These emotions make him feel weak, and he shakes them off. A fresh confidence washes over him, "Things will be fine. I'll be there, Kushina. Whoever shows up, I'll kick their ass. My teacher—there's no denying his power and reputation, but I… I am the Yellow Flash, Hokage of the Hidden Leaf!" Minato strikes a sexy pose. While his Sensei's boasts did little convincing, Minato's is practically a promise. The ninja in the living room all laugh and exalt their fearless leader's prowess. Kushina sits up, "The Yellow Flash is on our side! He'll save us from the depths of peril!" Jiraiya pumps his fist in the air, "Minato! He's our guy. When he's your opponent, you better run like hell!"

Despite not ever actually eating the soba that Minato picked up for dinner, Jiraiya excuses himself, _unattended business_, he tells the couple. He says goodbye to Minato and Kushina and tries to open Kakashi's door, finding it locked shut. He hollers, "It ain't that bad, kid! Quit pouting; life goes on". With that, he steps out into the dusk lit street.

The day is almost over, and he's accomplished nothing. Walking back to his apartment, he stares at his feet as he steps. The realization is clear; his student is in great danger, and there is literally nothing he can do to help. Jiraiya has always prided himself in his almost ethereal sense of intuition, and this much is painfully clear—his student will not be coming out of this mess unscathed. As much as he hates to admit it, he has to just sit back and watch while the horrific chain of upcoming events unfolds.

* * *

After Jiraiya leaves, Minato and Kushina approach their drama king of a son's bedroom. Kushina offers Minato a bemused glance that seems to state, '_prepare for a pubescent hell storm'_.Minato nods, knowing that is exactly what they are in for. "Kakashi, open your door; we need to talk," the ninja says calmly. Kakashi might be a pissy teenager, but he is far from disrespectful. He does as he is told and sits back down on his bed.

Kushina doesn't care too much about how unstable the situation is, and cuts right to the point, "what exactly is it that pisses you off so much?" Kakashi's eye suggests murderous intent. He inquires, "Why didn't you tell me until now that Kushina could die?" Kushina clearly wants her head bitten off, either that or she's just stupid fearless (people who know her son, Naruto, would probably beg the latter), "Anybody could die from giving birth! It's just more likely for me, because of the nine tails". Kushina smiles brightly, as if that explanation makes everything all better. Kakashi is none too satisfied with her response, "right, so why wasn't I aware of this until now?" Minato clears his throat, "we didn't want to upset you, however I had a discussion with Jiraiya today that caused me to see things differently. I'm confident that everything is going to be alright, really—I am. But if by some turn of events, things do not turn out right, well… we really can't leave you completely unprepared. It isn't fair to you. So, while knowing about the Jinchūriki situation will probably only cause you much unnecessary stress, out of respect for you, we still need to make you aware".

Kakashi is so angry that he can't speak. Kushina recognizes that she is only making the kid more pissed off, and offers, "Maybe I should let you two talk this out. It's my night to cook, anyway". Minato protests, "No way, we bought those noodles at the market, already prepared! This doesn't count as your night!" Kushina flashes an all-too-cheerful smile and exits Kakashi's bedroom.

Minato joins his son on his hard, twin sized mattress. It creaks under his adult body. The elder looks to the youth with sincere sympathy; he knows that he's done wrong. "Kakashi, you're right. Kushina and I should have told you months ago. We messed up, and both fully intend to make it up to you". Kakashi can tell that his dad means his words, which is kind of irritating, because he really wants to be mad right now.

Alas, the loving glow of Minato's flawless face is too much, and the kid gives in. He mumbles, "It's okay. Don't worry about it". With a laugh, Minato explains, "Oh no, no! I don't get off that easily! Come on! Let's go play ninja in the training field, after dinner!" Kakashi looks at his dad like he's nuts, "but… we _are_ ninja…" Minato explains, "well yeah, but playing ninja is still fun! Plus, you can take revenge on me for being such a lousy daddy". Kakashi blushes, "I NEVER SAID THAT!" Oops, that was way more emotional than Kakashi felt comfortable being. "Um, I mean… you're not lousy… let's play ninja tonight".

The two smile and share a bonding moment. The moment only lasts a literal moment though, because Kushina starts screaming about dinner getting cold.

Kushina is a scary woman, the two run to the kitchen to avoid dismemberment and/or a minor concussion.

* * *

(NOTE: yeah, I realize that Kakashi would be described as anything but dramatic nowadays, but most teenagers are so freaking dramatic, that I'm taking a little liberty as the author here)

:-D Thank you for reading; I hope that you'll subscribe. I cannot say for sure, but I will earnestly try to crank another one of these out before Fall Semester begins!


	3. Why Kakashi Didn't Raise Naruto

Kakashi dug his nails into the weathered wood grain of the pub table. He hated opening his regular Pandora's box of ancient dirty laundry and despair, but he knew this conversation was way past due.

Naruto stared his Sensei in the eye. Although he had never been known for his receptivity (and for good reason), the student knew Kakashi was gonna lay down something heavy. As Naruto might have feared, Kakashi started his spiel in his own vague, confusing way.

The unobservant pupil tried his best to make connections, and soon, Kakashi's topic became familiar.

_The reason I didn't do it was simple, and not as ignoble as you might think. I am a man of my word for the most part, but I just said something to appease my teacher. Although I have decent foresight, I never saw Minato-Sensei dying. I never thought I'd be expected to actually follow through with his request. It was so hypothetical, he was being completely paranoid!_

_When Kushina became pregnant, Sensei took me aside and asked me to take care of Kushina and Naruto if anything ever happened to him. I laughed. Who wouldn't have?_

_Sensei's face hardened at my response. He continued his explanation._

_"Jiraiya will be Naruto's godfather. Kushina and I selected him because he essentially raised me, though, we both know how responsible that guy is"._

_However hypothetical (and in my head at the time, utterly unlikely) the situation at hand was, I cringed at the thought of that pedophile raising a child._

_"Yes, I understand, Sensei. If anything ever happens to you, I will take care of Naruto"._

_Except I didn't._

_When Sensei died, I was completely crushed. You wouldn't need to be a child psychologist to understand my attachment to that man, especially after my dad committed suicide. I was emotionally unstable, and quite frankly, I didn't want to live. I joined the ANBU unit, essentially because I saw it as a more valiant suicide than my father's. When that didn't kill me, Lord Third required me to return to Konoha and train you, Sasuke, and Sakura._

_That was the first time I'd ever met you. I was the man who promised your father I'd raise you, and I didn't even meet you until you were 12._

As he finished his speech, Kakashi's face sunk. He felt overcome with guilt for being such an undeniable coward, from running away from commitment, for letting his Sensei down.

Naruto sat quietly for a while, sipping his juice and pondering the situation. After brief consideration, he spoke.

_Kakashi, I'm not mad at you. If I were, don't you think I would have brought it up before?_

Kakashi raised his head. His eyes regained a flash of his more characteristic look of bemusement.

_Before, you didn't know your dad asked me to watch you._

Naruto considered,

_How old were you at the time?_

_I was 14._

_Sensei, my dad expected too much of you. Hell, I think Asuma expected too much out of Shikamaru! It's pretty damn selfish to give a teenager the responsibility of raising a kid. Between the baby and Temari, Shika doesn't even have time to be lazy and smoke herbs._

Kakashi rolled his eyes again. Even though only one of them was visible, he believed it still illustrated how he felt toward the boy at most times.

_Would you keep it down about the Nara family's herbs?_

_Oh, like anyone in all of Konoha doesn't know where to get good MJ._

(sigh) And I digress. Anyway, Naruto, I'm a terrible student and I disrespected my Sensei by not raising you. If you exhibited any semblance of normalcy, you would probably be disgusted right now and wish to fight me.

The cocky blonde dude scoffed.

_Yeah, like that would even be a challenge. You'd be down in five minutes._

_Kakashi, I don't feel like you owe me anything. As for my dad, well, as insensitive as it might sound, he's dead, so his opinions don't matter. I'm okay, you're okay, let's get some ramen. Since you're such a terrible person, you should probably pay for both of us._

The elder ninja felt slightly surprised by the 180 his emotions took after that comment. Naruto could be such a turd.

* * *

After he parted with Kakashi that night, all Naruto could think about was how different his life might have been if Kakashi were a part of it much earlier.

Would he be happier? Would he be smarter? Would he be stronger? Would he read porn in broad daylight?

It was an interesting hypothetical, but there was no benefit to dwelling on it. As being a ninja had taught him all too well, the past is said and done.

* * *

The next morning, Naruto stepped into the kitchen to grab some instant ramen before a day of training. To his horror, his spicy shrimp ramen was nowhere to be seen. Where it previously stood lay an orange bowl filled with vegetables.

_If he were really a negligent guardian, he'd let me eat ramen every day, _Naruto thought dully as he bit into a stalk of celery.


End file.
